FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SOPHIE VON LICORICE RETURNS TO SANTA MONICA HOME

August 4th, 2011
　
Before a packed and hushed crowd of journalists and well-wishers at a press conference in the Polo Lounge of the Beverly Hills Hotel, international star of stage and screen, popular authoress and aviatrix, Sophie Von Licorice announced that after a two-week trial adoption, she would be parting company with the Knox family of La Canada/Flintridge. She wished to stress that the parting was amicable all around.

Looking slim and stylish as ever, and wearing her trademark pearls, Ms. Von Licorice put the crowd immediately at ease by saying she'd "just returned from a wonderful summer vacation with an adorable Canadian family."

When pressed on her geography, she confessed to having fallen asleep both times, "but it sure seemed like we were driving to Canada!"

INITIAL REPORTS had been mixed. Some reported discord between the legendary 4-year-old beauty and the family's 3-year-old son, Phoenix. One British tabloid went so far as to say that Sophie had, at one point, "snapped" at Phoenix for "being in her face."  The incident was supposed to have happened early on and was quickly hushed up.

MYSTERY PUPPY. Some are questioning the timing of events surrounding Ms. Von Licorice's departure from the Knox residence. According to transcripts and eyewitness accounts, David Stamford, Von Licorice's personal manager--and current paramour--having heard nothing from Mrs. Knox for over a week, sent what he described as a brief, chatty e-mail with the heading "No news/good news?" Sometime the next morning, Mr. Stamford received an e-mail from Mrs. Knox describing further conflict with Sophie and plans were made for her return to Santa Monica.

Mr. Stamford reports that while less than twenty-four hours had lapsed between Mrs. Knox's e-mail and his arrival at her door, "They had a puppy--already."

Stamford described the as-yet-unnamed pup as "tiny, adorable... maybe a little shifty."

Many in the industry are crying foul. "This is age-ism, pure and simple!" said Gloria Allred. (Which made no sense because she was across town and someone had just asked her what she was dipping her bacon-wrapped shrimp in.)

A RADIANT VON LICORICE refused to speak ill of her experience, describing it as "a lovely memory... Now, did somebody mention bacon?"

Her immediate plans include napping, walking, sniffing stuff, catching up with old friends, barking at squirrels, and maybe a twelfth installment in her "Great Bitches of History" series.

A TWITTER CAMPAIGN has begun among her fans--dubbed "The Two-Legged Monsters"--in the hope of generating an appearance by the diva this evening at the Santa Monica Airport dog park...