FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: NEW AIRSPEED RECORD FOR VON LICORICE!

August 14, 2011

Yet another air speed record has been set by Sophie Von Licorice, "America's Pooch", international star of stage and screen, bestselling authoress and legendary chanteuse. The beloved Beagle/Dachshund, who has been flying--and setting records--since the Second World War, arrived late Sunday afternoon at Santa Monica Airport, having set a new airspeed record for a solo round trip to Pismo Beach--by a female Beagle/Dachshund.

The round trip took sixteen hours, partly because Von Licorice had initially thought Pismo Beach was to the Southeast and flew several miles in that direction before realizing it wasn't. Another five hours were spent trolling for french fries on the Pismo Pier, then a lovely nap on a friend's couch and it was back to the air for the intrepid pooch.

AMID CHEERS FROM HER MANY ADMIRERS, Von Licorice hopped out of her signature lipstick red 1936 Waco YMF-5C Biplane and attempted to navigate a sea of paparazzi, before being presented with a framed certificate and a piece of turkey jerky by Warren Wynnsock, Commissioner of the NCAA (the National Canine Aviation Association.)

"We are proud to be present as Ms. Von Licorice makes aviation history once again." said Wynnsock as part of an agonizing hour and twenty minute speech, during which Von Licorice "snuck off for a piddle--twice!" as she later admitted. By the time the presentation concluded, only Von Licorice, various members of Wynnsock's staff, his mother and a single cub reporter from NPR remained. "I only hung around because someone offered me a ride." said the reporter, who wished to remain anonymous out of embarrassment.

A transcript of the speech shows that the presentation might have gone on for at least another hour had darkness not intervened. Not for nothing is the Commissioner referred to (in hushed tones) as Warren Wynnbag.

WHY DID SHE STAY? International stars of stage and screen--and especially those who can fly--don't generally hang around in one location for so long--especially after the press has gone home. The answer is simple. As the only Beagle/Dachsund, in fact the only dog in America to hold a pilot's license, Von Licorice is the NCAA's greatest source of pride, but she's also its only member.

"I just love the guy and I'd sit and listen to him all night long if I could--as long as he keeps feeding me turkey jerky" said Sophie. And then she burped.

Of course, as the only canine licensed pilot in America, everything Von Licorice does in the cockpit becomes a record, including: First Female Beagle/Dachshund to Fly Solo Non-Stop from New York to Los Angeles, First Female Beagle/Dachshund to Fly Solo Non-Stop from LAX to Bob Hope International, and First Female Beagle/Dachshund to Fly.

　
When asked at what point she realized she'd been going in the wrong direction, Von Licorice quipped: "I'd initially planned to go the long way 'round."

The airspeed record for a solo round trip from Santa Monica to Pismo Beach by a non-Beagle/Dachshund has never been established because no one cares.