FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: IS SOPHIE BROKE?

September 12, 2011

As part of an independent campaign-finance investigation into Sophie Von Licorice--international star, authoress, aviatrix, chanteuse and recently, Santa Monica City Council candidate--auditors may have uncovered news which, while potentially devastating to the star, may not in itself preclude her running in the 2012 elections, specifically, that the legendary pooch is penniless.

"We are shocked and shaken by the news and we urge discretion and restraint until a more complete investigation is conducted," said a shocked and shaken David Stamford, Von Licorice's publicist, personal manager and the guy who feeds her.

In response to Stamford's request for discretion and restraint, The National Enquirer pledged to use 18 point type verses 20 in its next cover headline: "SAY IT AIN'T SOPH!" while The Star agreed to publish its cover story, "AMERICA'S POOCH: BROKE, DRUNK AND SUICIDAL!" with retraction included.

As news spread throughout the entertainment community, offers of support came from all corners. "She can come live with us!" offered Spencer Pratt, from behind the fry counter of the Reseda Arthur Treacher's. "No thanks!" answered a buoyant Von Licorice when the offer was related to her, and then in hushed tones: "Who is that again?"

Indeed, the unflappable Beagle/Dachshund seems barely to care about this latest setback: "I have my health, I have people who love me, and I have millions of dollars worth of stocks, bonds, real estate and other investments!" At which point, someone took her aside and explained what bankrupt meant.

Still, it's hard to believe it could happen. While Von Licorice earns nothing from the many times her films run on the late show, she does receive sizable residuals for her long-running 70's sitcom, "Good Girl!" and over the years has been known to invest wisely. Then there's the highly profitable Sophie Von Licorice International Canine Flight Academy.  Add to that her considerable earnings as an author (her "Great Bitches of History" series alone has sold over half a billion copies) her decades-long career as a recording artist, plus speaking fees and personal appearances, and it's difficult to believe it could all be gone.

Where are the stock certificates? Where are the deeds to all that real estate? What happened to the star's legendary jewelry collection? And where is Murray Golden, Von Licorice's long-time financial advisor and CFO of Golden Retriever Investments?

While not making any specific accusations, The Star asks its readers if Mr. Golden might not be hiding out in Palm Springs with the last of Von Licorice's fortune, having blown it all on squeaky toys and 'girls,' --and while not specifically placing them in Palm Springs, published photographs of two possible 'girls' with whom Golden may be hiding.

The National Enquirer confirmed reports that Golden was "on retreat" in a cave owned by the heirs to the Batboy estate.

Von Licorice remains philosophical about her future: "Okay. So I have my health and people who love me. As for roaming the streets, living outside, scrounging through the garbage and begging for french fries from strangers--that's every dog's dream!"